I Have Spoken

via GIPHY

"I have spoken" is how Kuiil, one of my favorite characters in Mandalorian, communicates that his decision is final. It's usually deloyed just before Mandalorian plans to offer a rebutal. It helps that Kuiil is often in the position of power. If Mandalorian wants his help, this is the way it's going to be.

Another example of "We're done debating, this is my position" comes from the movie the Irishman when Frank is told to tell Hoffa, "It's what it is." It's also used to clearly communicate this is the final solution. And again, it comes from a position of power.

We should listen to other perspectives. We should consider other points of view. But in situations, were we are the decider, and we've made up our mind, have a clear and firm way to communicate "this is final and now closed for debate" that is more effect than the over used, "because I'm your mother/father/boss, that's why."

I also find it more empowering than "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree." That phrase has often rubbed me the wrong way, because we don't agree to disagree, we acknowledge that we disagree. Disagreement is good and expected. Don't shy from it.

By the way, I test drove "I have spoken" in a meeting at work the other day. The context was different. I wasn't the decider. I was simply providing some feedback. The person I was sharing it with was telling me basically, thanks for sharing, but we're going to do it my way. So I concluded with "I have spoken," simply meaning, I've shared my feedback, you can do what you want. Luckily, the person knew the reference and laughed and got the point.

Agitate vs Irritate

Friction causes traction which leads to progress, but too much or the wrong kind causes irritation and damage. As managers, sales professionals, trainers, parents, coaches - any role of leadership or influence - we create friction to motivate others to action. But once others are acting in the desired outcome, our job is to create a frictionless path.

Dan Pink makes a great distinction between irritating and agitating others:

• Irritating someone is getting them to do what you want them to do.
• Agitating is getting them to do what THEY want to do.

When the friction you are creating starts to overheat, take a step back and ask "What to I want them to do?" and "What do THEY want to do?" Look for ways to align the two.

Yes, And

I've known about the yes, and rule in improv for years. The concept is to accept whatever your partner gives you and build upon it. That approach ensures the story keeps moving foward. If your improv partner says, "Aliens have landed on the roof," you don't reply with "Those aren't aliens, they're just crows." That shuts down the scene.

Instead you accept their idea and add to it. I've understood the accepting part, but it wasn't until I took a recent improve class that I understood the importance of AND - building more. In our alien example, "Oh, my what are we going to do" accepts your partner's direction, but doesn't add to it. "Yes, and there are reports that it's happening all over town" does.

In the class, we played a sketch called Panel of Experts that illustrated for me both the importance of adding on and the skill of how to do it. The panel of experts answered questions from the other improv students. The first expert answered, and the other two experts followed up with "Yes, and..." and had to add something to the answer before them. Challenging, yet hilarious.

My daughter is taking virtual college classes, and a regular requirement is participation on a discussion board. One of her frustrations is the lack of value on the threads. She finds many students simply rephrase previous statments. There's little added value.

In meetings, I often hear someone ask another participant directly, "Would you add anything to that?" I can't believe how many times the answer is "No, I would agree with..." and then they go on to repeat what was already said.

My challenge for myself, and for you if you accept it, is to yes, and when those opportunities appear. In improv, you can make stuff up (and the points don't matter), but in meetings the challenge will be to add some real value.