THE RUB
This weekend at the Beers of the Kaw Festival, I saw two friends I didn't know were going to be there. One was a casual acquaintance that I recognized, and I spent some time reconnecting with him. The other was a good friend that I don't see regularly.
She said, "I know this is going to sound weird, but by any chance, you weren't at a Weezer concert in San Diego a couple of weeks ago, were you?" After my “no” response, she explained, "I didn't think so, but I heard a laugh that sounded an awful lot like yours."
That reminded me of a cab ride in San Francisco 15 years ago. I saw a friend of mine who lives in Atlanta walking down the street. I quickly called him and asked, "Hey, are you in San Francisco?" He said, "Yeah. How'd you know?" I said, "I just passed you on the street." We were able to get together for drinks later that night.
Encounters like these remind me of a saying my grandfather often shared, "Life is a series of near misses." I found that aphorism ironic because the last years of his life were plagued by brain injury from a car accident. He pulled out in front of a motorcycle that T-boned his driver door. Not a near miss.
THE FRAMEWORK
I lit up when I learned about the word "sonder." It was coined by John Koenig who defined it as the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own, populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness, continuing invisibly around you.
The etymology is fascinating, as it comes from two root words: the German "sonder," which carries a sense of apart or separate, and the French "sonder," which means to probe, to sound out, to measure the depth of water.
The word nicely embraces both those meanings. Each person has their own rich story, history, context, and to really see them is to sound them out — to drop a line and feel the depth.
Koenig created the word to capture the sadness of never understanding all of this richness, but I see it as more hopeful in knowing how rich and complex the universe is around us.
THE PRACTICE
I’m a podcast junkie. I wear my headphones most of the day, and if I’m not reading, writing, or engaged in a conversation, I’m listening to a podcast. But I’ve been challenging myself lately to go on walks without an episode playing. Be more present and all that.
On a recent walk, I saw a cardinal in a tree. I stopped for a minute and appreciated this beautiful moment. Maybe I would have seen the bird while listening to a podcast, but I doubt it.
When frustrations rise at work, it’s usually a lack of control and a squeeze of demands. I find it helpful to step back and ask: are there opportunities in the near misses around me?
One skill I point to as a success factor in my career is lingering after a meeting ends. The post-meeting conversations are often the most productive.
I saw it play out again a few weeks ago. The meeting broke up, most people stood to leave, but three stayed seated and kept talking. I sat back down and listened.