Oh, crap!
“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” ~ James Joyce
THE RUB
I dropped a ball at work last week. I drop little ping-pong balls regularly – forget to respond to an email, overcommit on how fast I can turn something around, and forget important details. Those little guys bounce. I can pause for a moment, bend down, pick them up, and go back to juggling. But this was a glass ball. When it hit the ground, it shattered.
I hadn’t put a commitment on my calendar and blew off a 4-hour work session. Significant money had been spent by an external partner and my absence meant the preferred outcome wasn’t achieved. They tried to reach out to me via text, but I was so heads-down focused on another project I missed the “Where are you, aren’t you coming” follow-ups.
By the time I saw the messages, it was too late, and I immediately dropped into a panicked “oh crap” mindset. I attacked myself, “You idiot! How could you be so careless?” Then to protect me from myself, I got defensive, “I had so many things going on.” And finally, pity pushed anger aside as I sought mercy and reassurance, “I’m so sorry, I really messed that up.”
In addition to calling myself names, I could hear myself over apologizing. I hate when others do that. I owned the mistake, but maybe a little too much with repetitive declarations like, “It was all my fault.”
The pain helps me learn, and the first lesson was a reminder that EVERY COMMITMENT goes on the calendar. Over the years, I’ve gotten better about that, but apparently not perfect yet. But the more powerful lesson came in debriefing the recovery.
THE FRAMEWORK
One of the most chilling and unforgettable lines in the series “Mad Men” has become a mantra for endurance. The scene comes in season 2, episode 5 “The New Girl.” Peggy had a colleague’s baby, gives the baby up for adoption and afterwards suffers a psychological breakdown.
Don, her boss, visits her in the hospital and gives her a stern speech about getting past all of it and moving forward. “Peggy, listen to me. Get out of here and move forward. This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.”
The imperative rouses Peggy from her psychological state, and at the same time reveals insights about Don. He’s a man who’s built his entire life around deciding he is not Dick Whitman who was born in poverty to a prostitute. Don isn’t being cruel to Peggy, he’s giving Peggy the only survival mechanism he knows.
The fact that he bothered to go the hospital and encourage her shows a caring side of his character. By the end of the episode, Peggy quits calling him “Mr. Draper” and calls him “Don” for the first time.
Dwelling on our mistakes isn’t productive. Owning them, learning from them, and moving forward is the real skill.
THE PRACTICE
Reflecting on this mistake, I crafted my personal recovery playbook.
ACKNOWLEDGE IT.
Move fast, not frantically. A delay can be more damaging than the mistake. It’s better to highlight a mistake myself than to have my boss find out about it later. Get in front of it before it spreads.
Own it cleanly. Don’t deny, dismiss, get defensive, or shift the blame. One clear, unqualified acknowledgement lands better than a drawn-out, over-explained apology. “I messed up. I didn’t put this on my calendar, and I forgot it was today.”
Focus my apology on impact, not intent. This is one that drives me crazy when others focus on explaining why they messed up. I heard a coworker apologize for getting angry in a meeting with, “I was just trying to clarify the real issue, but I was really frazzled, and I was double tasking.” A more effective approach would have been, “I was out of line and that shut down discussion.”
Don’t overapologize. “Overapologizing is a safe place for someone who lacks confidence,” ~ Deborah Brown, Managing Partner Korn Ferry. It comes across at if you’re asking for reassurance from the other person.
CLOSE IT.
Create a solution. Identify two or three ways you can fix the mistake. This frames me as a problem-solver rather than a liability. I reached out to the vendor partner and offered two options to follow through to meet the original objective.
Rebuild trust. Share the strategies I’m implementing to prevent the same mistake from happening again. People lose trust when they don’t see a recovery plan.
Process it and let it go. Making mistakes takes an emotional toll. Wallowing in it serves no purpose. This is where I listen to Don Draper. “This never happened. It will shock you how much it never happened.” It’s not about ignoring or denying the mistake, it’s about moving on.
FILE IT.
Don’t delete it. This is a healthy reframe of Don’s approach. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen. I know it happened. I learned from it. I fixed it. Now it’s done. It doesn’t get to follow me.
Refine and improve practices. Debrief. Reflect. Iterate. For this situation, the primary fault was not getting the commitment on my calendar. I’ve also gotten lackadaisical about my weekly reviews. Time to recommit. The pain helps me learn.
Use it as a leadership moment. Be prepared to talk about my mistake as a lesson and show vulnerability. A mistake handled with grace can become a credibility builder instead of a credibility killer.
We’re all human. Mistakes happen. The trick is to treat mistakes as portals for discovery and recover stronger because of the painful experience.