Corrected assumption

THE RUB

“She says the same thing about you, Todd.” This unsolicited feedback came from my friend Kevin. We were in the second semester of our freshman year of college. Kevin, Jill, and I had all gone to the same high school and now were attending the same university.

Kevin and I were talking about the “old days.” I had mentioned, “I don’t know what I did to Jill, but since we’ve been on campus she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. She ignores me and never says hi.”

That’s when Kevin busted up laughing and said, “Jill told me you’re the one who won’t say hi. She thinks you’ve been blowing her off since move-in day.”

THE FRAMEWORK

I was reminded of that moment while reading Virginia Evans’ The Correspondent. The novel is a series of letters written and received by the main character — Sybil, a retired judicial clerk whose letters to her adult daughter Fiona have gone cold.

Her dearest friend writes Sybil and fills her in on a visit she had with Fiona. “...in the same way you are disappointed by the way it is with her, the same is true for Fiona, and it seems like an honest conversation might fix it.” That line put me back in Kevin’s dorm room hearing him laugh.

Researchers have studied one version of this and call it “the liking gap.” The core finding is that after a conversation, we underestimate how much our conversation partners liked us and enjoyed the exchange. Both sides walk away thinking “that person probably liked me less than I liked them.”

THE PRACTICE

I wonder about the impression I’ve left on others in the last few days. I walked into the office from the parking lot within ten feet of an unfamiliar face. I didn’t introduce myself.

I saw an acquaintance I hadn’t seen in 5 years at a party. I gave a nod and a slight wave, but didn’t make time to go talk to them.

I passed my neighbor walking his dog. He was listening to a podcast without headphones. I walked on by.

All opportunities to share warmth and connection.

Once I knew Jill’s perception of me, the next time I saw her walking across the quad I called out her name and gave an enthusiastic wave. Later that week, she stopped my table in the dining hall to say hello.